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I'm going to change the world for the better or die trying.
-Nicholas P. Wilde

updated on Jan/6th/2019 8:18 am.
first, i hope everyone had an awesome christmas, and i also hope everyone has a kick-ass 2019 =0)

please remember this book is always in a rough draft phase. heck, one day i might totally start over with my book like i have done many times in the past. :)

ďLost in ThoughtĒ


I donít want to do some dirty trick like grab you with the first 
sentence though I may already have done that. Iím not even sure 
I want to write a book anymore. Itís become trendy to write a book.

However, there is no denying that I have led an interesting life 
up until this point and I would like to share these things with people.

People say Iím good with words, so maybe I can drive home the 
real feelings and emotions Iíve felt through some of my more 
spectacular moments.

Iím only 38 and in my opinion thatís too young to write a biography. I have half my life left to learn things about life and even about myself. But I at least know this much, I could die at any moment; and itís important to me to share some of my life with anyone who wants to read about it.

And I donít want to just state the obvious. Yes, I have schizoaffective disorder. Yes, I was a prodigy child. Iíve hacked into computers, wrote viruses (not lame malware, real viruses) and I have explored all over on the back of my motherís Harley.

But there is something more than that. I swear I have a gift from God and Iíve been trying to figure out how to use my gift to benefit humankind.

Chapter 1 Ė =untitled for now=

I suppose everyone reading this book about now thinks my ďgiftĒ is my mind going loopy on me because of the schizoaffective disorder, which is basically having schizophrenia combined with bipolar.

But I tell you, something isnít quite right with my life. Too many coincidences, too many signs, too many prayers got answered and Iíve seen too many mind boggling things.

Just for one example: one morning I was praying to God on the edge of my bed, and when I got done I asked God to show me a sign if he/she/it was listening Ė but I didnít just ask, I was very serious and honest in my request, and right then and there the sun rose up shining through my window lighting up my whole apartment (I had a small apartment).

The problem is, I experienced this and you didnít so to me itís a big thing. So put yourself in my shoes and think of this experience happening to you.

But it wasnít super exciting like a big revelation that God exists because I already believed in God 100% - it was more of a calming feeling when I seen that.The list of occurrences out of the ordinary for me goes on and on. My ďvoicesĒ from the schizophrenia part of my diagnosis have predicted the future. Iíve interacted with ghosts or spirits. Iíve had psychic dreams

So whatever my gift is, I donít know, but it is there.

Like Iíll write a poem, and a key part of that poem will somehow 
manifest itself in the real world the next day on the news.

i have witnessed other amazing things that are less likely to be
a coincidence, as a more solid example that i have seen, well, about the time i was moving out of my mothers house, a perfect circle of mushrooms grew in her backyard.

now i could see this happen in nature if it was up to a foot across maybe, but this sucker was 4 to 5 feet across and
so perfect of a circle that it could not have been planted
better. it was as if the backyard i grew up playing in was
trying to say good bye to me in some strange "nature talk"

however! i believe mushrooms are actually minerals and not plants, so maybe they grow that way by nature.

when i seen the circle at first i was just shocked. but as a few
moments passed, i remembered the druid books i read in middle
school and realized this might be my backyard talking to me.

i was with a good friend at the time and he seen the circle too.
we even had our cell phones on us but for some wierd reason, we
didn't think to take a picture.

some chapter, not sure which one. "drugs"

my uncle told me if i want to say something like 50% of people with spchizophrenia self medicate with street drugs, that i would have to provide the information as to where i got that fact
but i have run two support groups now and have seen it with my
own eyes, drugs are big among people who have schizophrenia.

first of all, we're usally poor because we can't work, so we are
living on welfare or disability checks so we live in areas where
drugs are around.

but it certantly isn't as simple as that, like someone just
offers us a joint and we take it.

no. but when the voices are screaming at you for 3 fucking days in a row you will hit that crack pipe over and over just so you don't hear them anymore