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I'm going to change the world for the better or die trying.
-Nicholas P. Wilde

updated on march/18/2019 6:06am CST
a quick note: right now Iím just trying to figure out how to format this web page in html and Microsoft word at the same time. Todays word is compleletly different than word í97 like i used to use, so Iím a bit lost. And my html skills I forgot. So this book might look a little sloppy for a while.
Today I will just be adding some quick notes about things I need to edit, like rewrite of a paragraph, something I want to add, whatever.
Then over the next few days I intend to implement those changes.

ďLost in ThoughtĒ


I donít want to do some dirty trick like grab you with the first 
sentence though I may already have done that. Iím not even sure 
I want to write a book anymore. Itís become trendy to write a book.

However, there is no denying that I have led an interesting life 
up until this point and I would like to share these things with people.

People say Iím good with words, so maybe I can drive home the 
real feelings and emotions Iíve felt through some of my more 
spectacular moments.

Iím only 38 and in my opinion thatís too young to write a biography. I have 
half my life left to learn things about life and even about myself. But I
at least know this much, I could die at any moment; and itís important to me 
to share some of my life with anyone who wants to read about it.

And I donít want to just state the obvious. Yes, I have schizoaffective 
disorder. Yes, I was a prodigy child. Iíve hacked into computers, wrote
viruses (not lame malware, real viruses) and I have explored all over on 
the back of my motherís Harley.

But there is something more than that. I swear I have a gift from God and 
Iíve been trying to figure out how to use my gift to benefit humankind.

Chapter 1 Ė =untitled for now=

I suppose everyone reading this book about now thinks my ďgiftĒ is my mind 
going loopy on me because of the schizoaffective disorder, which is 
basically having schizophrenia combined with 

But I tell you, something isnít quite right with my life. Too many 
coincidences, too many signs, too many prayers got answered and Iíve 
seen too many mind boggling things.

Just for one example: one morning I was praying to God on the edge of 
my bed, and when I got done I asked God to show me a sign if he/she/it 
was listening Ė but I didnít just ask, I was very serious and honest in
my request, and right then and there the sun rose up shining through my 
window lighting up my whole apartment (I had a small apartment).

The problem is, I experienced this and you didnít so to me itís a big thing. 
So put yourself in my shoes and think of this experience happening to you.

But it wasnít super exciting like a big revelation that God exists 
because I already believed in God 100% - it was more of a calming feeling 
when I seen that.The list of occurrences out of the ordinary for me goes on 
and on. My ďvoicesĒ from the schizophrenia part of my diagnosis have 
predicted the future. Iíve interacted with ghosts or spirits. Iíve 
had psychic dreams

So whatever my gift is, I donít know, but it is there.

Like Iíll write a poem, and a key part of that poem will somehow 
manifest itself in the real world the next day on the news.

i have witnessed other amazing things that are less likely to be
a coincidence, as a more solid example that i have seen, well, about the time 
i was moving out of my mothers house, a perfect circle of mushrooms grew in
her backyard.

now i could see this happen in nature if it was up to a foot across maybe, 
but this sucker was 4 to 5 feet across and
so perfect of a circle that it could not have been planted
better. it was as if the backyard i grew up playing in was
trying to say good bye to me in some strange "nature talk"

however! i believe mushrooms are actually minerals and not plants, so maybe 
they grow that way by nature.

when i seen the circle at first i was just shocked. but as a few
moments passed, i remembered the druid books i read in middle
school and realized this might be my backyard talking to me.

i was with a good friend at the time and he seen the circle too.
we even had our cell phones on us but for some wierd reason, we
didn't think to take a picture.

some chapter, not sure which one. "drugs"

my uncle told me if i want to say something like 50% of people with
spchizophrenia self medicate with street drugs, that i would have to provide 
the information as to where i got that fact
but i have run two support groups now and have seen it with my
own eyes, drugs are big among people who have schizophrenia.

first of all, we're usally poor because we can't work, so we are
living on welfare or disability checks so we live in areas where
drugs are around.

but it certantly isn't as simple as that, like someone just
offers us a joint and we take it.

no. but when the voices are screaming at you for 3 fucking days in a row you
will hit that crack pipe over and over just so you don't hear them anymore

my introduction to drugs was marijuana around age 13 and at
first, i didn't like it. but i wanted to fit in with my
friends and of course all them were smoking it. over time
i began to enjoy it. it would make me nervous, but it was
a relief at the same time, i could blame the weed for my
anxiety, like "i'm not ill, it's the weed". but of course
when smoking weed, i got offered other drugs from people
who smoke weed. some of them i liked, some i hated, but
i always came back to the weed.

these days weed really helps me. even that first puff
takes the wieght of the world off my shoulders it feels
like. and it completley alleviates the anxiety.

even my doctor has said (strictly off the record) that if
weed helps me, i should keep doing it.

my doctor before my current one said the same thing, he
said "obviously i can write this down in my notes, but
if weed helps, keep doing it"

[NOTE: this paragraph is poorly written and itís an important one so I am going to rehaul this paragraph and make it flow better]

i was on crack for 2 years about, but thats because
someone tricked me into doing it, and after doing it
i seen how good it is. but before then i had promised
myself i would never do it because i heard a person
can get hooked on the first puff. but when i seen
how good it was, i couldnt quit. but again, had
that asshole never tricked me, i would have never
been on it.

[NOTE: this paragraph sound completely stupid, I need to work on it.]

thats one of the main differences between the weed
culture, and the crack culture. just recently i had
a close friend AGAIN get me to smoke crack. this time
it was different though, i was prepared and just told
him i dont want anymore. but with weed, people will
ask you if you want some, and if you don't they're
cool with it.

[NOTE: I have a lot to add to this chapter. I was in advanced art, advanced math and they wanted to put me in advanced music but I didnít like music back then and I forgot to mention this stuff.

Plus I wasnít all that good of student, I was always getting suspended for fighting, I even got expelled in 9th grade. I was also involved in gangs in school and I canít just tell you the good stuff about me, I need to be fair and tell you things like I got expelled.]

a chapter about school, so far called "what school was like for me"

elementry school was somewhat normal. i wasn't ill yet, but thats also when
i was a prodigy child. i would go to this class once per week for 
advanced students. then on top of that i went to university of 
wisconsin milwaukee like every other week as an even more advanced student.
they were teaching me and my classmates things like different languages. today
thats common in such early grades, but back then it wasnt *me toots his own

middle school was awesome till 8th grade. before 8th grade i hat it made. i was
popular, i was convinced i was cool. it was all going great.

but then i started to question things too much. like "what if me and my friends
are actually the nerds and the nerds are the cool people".

i believe 8th grade is when i started to have some form of auditory
hallucinations because for a long time i didn't know if i was thinking inside
my head or talking out loud. this led me to do things like bite the top of my
shirt because if i felt the shirt on my tonque, i couldn't talk. or i would
walk around with water in my mouth because if it dribbled out i would know my
mouth is open.

bah, i need to end editing this for now, i'm super tired. maybe more tomorrow (=